Friday, July 23, 2010

Bento / Coming to a Theatre Near You

Frankly, this doesn’t really qualify as a post because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting since it’s too bloody hot and I’m extremely lazy. Be warned that it’s entirely likely there may be more posts like this one in the future due to the adverse neurological effects the summer heat is having on my brain. It seems my logical, rational thought centres are being fried, and blogging without those always turns into megalomanic fits and nonsensical babble A LOT GIVE VERY JANKY COOKIES SINCE BECAUSE ENJOY OF IT, YOU TANGO YANKEE.

If this continues, the bright side is that I’ve worked out how to play it to my advantage, as displayed by this scientifically infallible sequence I just made up: 37°C weather → really fucking hot → heat stroke → irreversible neurological damage → behavioural abnormalities conveniently blamed on said neurological damage → convince overly sympathetic boyfriend that if I behave I get cake → free cake


Anyway, here are some more pictures of another bento I made:

I’m especially proud of the wiener sushi.

So in a recent movie-themed lesson I taught, I gave the students a copy of this screenshot from the movie Brazil:

If you’re unfamiliar with this film, it’s kind of like 1984, but on crystal meth and with more hallucinogenic dream sequences. Without telling the students the name of the film and with only the screenshot to go on, they were supposed to come up with a title they thought would fit best. Afterwards the class voted for their favourites.

Here are some of the epic movie titles they came up with:

Cannibal Soldier
Silent Muscle Dynasty
Mr. Nii of a Big Adventure!
Peach Boy
Middle-aged fairly white man
Angel FACE Demon’s BODY
Assassin Cook ~Milky is Mommy’s Taste~
Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong
Iron Beetle Man
Prince with Natural Curly Hair

I really hope someone makes Assassin Cook one day.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

6 Ways to Know the Internet is a Slum and Other Signs of the Coming Apocalypse

It’s exam week at school, which means that all the students are taking tests and there’s nothing for me to do. Of course I still have to come to work, but I just sit at my desk and occupy my time with other pursuits varying in productive merit and/or staring vacantly into space. Most times I end up studying Japanese or offering strangers questionable medical advice on Yahoo forums. Other times I sit back and let the internet entertain me; like a red ball to a developmentally stunted seal.

Now some of you may know that I bought a unicycle recently. Frankly, it’s important that I learn how to ride the damn thing before I make myself a public liability and set off down the street like a rock star with a monkey in a Napoleon costume on my shoulder. It was while googling How to ride a unicycle that I realized that the internet (and by this I mean the faceless masses that make up much of what is on the internet) (myself included) is definitely fucked beyond repair.

I’m basing this on the Google auto suggest function that pops up when you type something in the search box. The suggested lists are calculated by popular searches; the most popular of which will be nearer to the top. So, as you type something into the search bar, Google offers you its ideas on what it thinks you might be searching for, based on related searches conducted by other mammals such as yourself, who all want to know how to do one thing or another.

So while searching for something completely innocuous, I was being given a number of less-than-upstanding options.
"How to ride a unicycle"

Well, it stands to reason that this tops the list. It is Google Canada, after all. Unfortunately for me, smoking pot has nothing to do with riding unicycles... Or does it?

Actually, when I think about it, I don’t really have much of a problem with ripping DVD’s. Or the other thing.


Later on in the day I was thinking about what to cook for dinner and about how quickly the rice turns bad in the summer. So I googled “How to keep rice fresh.” This is the aftermath.

For fuck’s sake, people. Really? I’m no criminal mastermind, but if I were to go out and do a job on somebody, I wouldn’t want this showing up in my search history.

As a member of the fucking human race I’m not proud of the fact that enough people need Google to help them out with this that it’s number two on the auto suggest. Yes, I’m aware that, as a blogger, I’m a member of the mouth-breathing internet community and therefore am among those with under-developed social skills. Having said that, there’s just no excusing this.
I just like the mental image this gives me.

There you are. Proof that your half-baked, DVD pirating, racoon infested, unicorn enthusiast, mouth-breather of a neighbour IS OUT TO KILL YOU.